This is Probably Sacrilegious ...

The Pope on getting to Heaven.  From The Onion:

People ask me all the time about the Christian path to heaven. How can we get there? What acts must we perform? Some think the answers are unknowable. Others believe the divine kingdom may not exist at all. But let me assure you, heaven is a very real place. I’ve been there plenty of times, and it always starts with me getting into a van with a bag of mescaline and just flooring it out west into the desert sunset.

Although legitimate spiritual peyote use by Native Americans may be thousands of years old ...