I AM WOMAN HEAR ME CRY.

So yesterday I decided to fix the car, because it wasn’t working right even though I usually ignore funny sounds and the check engine light when it goes on but it wouldn’t go faster than 5 miles per hour and even I know that is a problem. And usually fixing a car means a call to the shop but dammit I am woman hear me roar and besides I googled the symptoms and it seemed there was a real easy fix taking 22 minutes by a YouTube video I found and we have to save money cause we have kids (so many kids, so, so many kids, but of course all of whom are loved and cherished and expensive.)

The fix was all about the VANOS which to me sounded like a new makeup line but turned out to be these things that stick into the engine and could be removed cleaned and replaced in 22 MINUTES. So I went looking for a wrench cause I only had to remove one bolt for each VANOS thing – there are two -- and I found the little ratchet socket which sort of amazes me but I couldn’t find the handle to save my life so it’s off to Pep Boys to get a new handle and the cleaning stuff which we of course didn’t have either.

And I come back and open the hood and there the little VANOS things are, all dirty, and to even get to the bolt to remove them I have to clean them so I find an old toothbrush and lather it up and take it out and immediately drop it into the engine bay and my big fat arm can’t reach down there. I get the areas clean finally and I put the new wrench down and start turning the bolts by hand and get one out and then drop the bolt into the engine bay too and I still have the big fat arm problem. So I decide to wait for one of the kids to come home, she has a little skinny arm, and try to pull the sensor out anyway and one nail goes snap.

Finally I get both of them out, clean them off really nice, and there is a separate little rubber seal thing which should be cleaned too, that sticks inside of the engine, and I pull those out and clean them too and am feeling good, and the kid comes home and pulls the toothbrush and bolt out, (dammit kid for all that money you cost us…) and I am feeling good really good, I am woman hear me roar. 

So I go to put the VANOS back in, and have to put the rubber thing in first and put in into the hole in the engine, and it immediately drops into the actual engine, and I try to feel for it but all I feel are the edges of cylinders and things and I start crying because now I have a rubber thing in the engine itself and even I know enough that that is bad very bad and it probably cost thousands of dollars to take the engine apart to get the little rubber thingy out. 

So I call up the local shop, sort of sobbing, and the guy patiently hears my story and says don’t worry about it. What I ask, sniffle sniffle. Don’t worry about it the engine will just rip it up and spit it out and it will be fine. I ask if he’s sure, yep he says, being a guy who works on cars and so monosyllabic and I thank him profusely but it’s getting dark and I decide well let me at least really carefully try to put the other one in anyway so I do that just fine.

Yay! So I am psyched and go to the parts store first thing today and get a new rubber thingy (Do you want two the guy asks, and I say no because I am sure the other one is okay and clean.) I start putting that one in the car and it won’t fit cause the other one is in the way so I have to take the other one out to put the new one in and finally I get the new one in and I am happy. I then reach for the other one, the good one, the one I had to take out to get the one with the new rubber thingy in, and I notice that it doesn’t have the rubber thingy on it and I look in the hole and it’s still in the hole but crooked, so I reach down, don’t really watch what I’m doing, hit something and break another nail, and knock that little rubber thingy into the engine too.

And my lovely spouse just told me that the garbage disposal has something in it and asks nicely if I can fix that too.